1. Introduction to Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a
F*ck is, put simply, a book about how to figure out what is truly important to
you and how to let go of everything else. It’s not just a practical guidebook
for prioritizing and elevating the most important parts of our lives—it’s also
a devastatingly honest reality check to help us deal with the fears and
expectations we all carry with us that hold us back. It’s a daring examination
and confrontation of self, our truths, and our weaknesses and uncertainties.
Even better, it does all this without fluff, without false positivity, and
without the naive optimism that is found in most personal growth books.
2. You’re Wrong About Everything
Manson observes that , for most of history, humans have vehemently believed things that we now know to be totally false. For example, it was once believed by all mankind that the world was flat and that the sun revolved around the world. It was once believed, as a matter of fact, that women exist merely to serve men. Today, no one would make these claims with a straight face.The same is true on an individual level. At some point, we all hold certain beliefs that simply are not true. It’s not because we’re ignorant or unintelligent. It’s simply human nature. We crave certainty, and sometimes we latch onto incorrect notions in our desire to latch securely onto anything.
3. How You Can Choose to be Happier
Many of us believe—perhaps because we have been told—that achieving happi- ness is formulaic, that as long as we follow certain steps or a certain algorithm, we can find happiness. This belief underlies many of our other assumptions, beliefs, and behaviors. We operate under the premise that if we can achieve “X” result, then we will be happy. If we lose weight, make more money, have more friends, we will be happy. If we get that job, find the perfect spouse, or live in a beautiful house, we will be happy.According to Manson, this premise is completely false. He declares, “happiness is not a solvable equation.” None of us are guaranteed happiness, even if we make all the right choices and do all the right things and are born healthy, wealthy, and beautiful. And the never-ending chase after happiness, paradoxically, can make us feel frustrated and hopeless.
4. Eight Things That People Care Way Too Much About
Can you imagine how much easier life would be if you stopped caring about those things that don’t matter? What it would be like if you could devote all that energy to caring about the big things that actually do matter? According to Manson, here are some common things we tend to care too much about:
- Being happy
- Being successful
- Being right all the time
- Being "perfect"
- Being pleasant and polite
- Feeling good all the time
- Impressing other people
- Feeling secure and certain
5. Figure Out What You Honestly Care About
This book’s title may be a bit misleading. It’s not Manson’s position that you shouldn’t give a f*ck about anything . Instead, he believes that you thoughtfully choose what you give a f*ck about based on your own priorities and values. He ex- plains that caring too much about the wrong things “causes you to become overly attached to the superficial and fake, to dedicate your life to chasing a mirage of happiness and satisfaction.” The opposite of caring too much, of course, is indif- ference. Indifference isn’t a good thing, either, because it makes you “lame and scared.” Ideally, you should be able to find a balance between caring too much and indifference, take an honest look at your life as it is now and as you would like it to be, and care about those things that will help you find happiness as you’ve defined it.
6. Choose to Care About MORE
According to Manson , after you clarify those things that are worth caring about, the next thing to do is to ask yourself hypotheticals that begin with “What if...?”. For example, you might ask yourself, “what if I didn’t care if my house was clean today? What would happen?” Or “what if I didn’t care so much about impressing strangers?” Or “what if I skipped work today and slept in instead?” Or “what if I skipped that errand my spouse asked me to run?” Reflect on these hypotheticals and think about how they would change your behavior and what the possible consequences would be. Write these reflections down, if needed. Imagine what the world would be like for you if you held true to certain values.
Manson declares that “there is a simple realization from which all personal im- provement and growth emerges. This is the realization that we, individually, are responsible for everything in our lives, no matter the external circumstances.” And once we understand that we’re responsible for everything in our lives, we are empowered to improve ourselves. It’s pointless to blame someone else for your problems or circumstances. It’s useless to assign fault because it doesn’t matter who is at fault. The only thing that matters is your ability to take responsibility for yourself.
7. The Value of Suffering
Suffering is an inevitable part of living. Problems are unavoidable. No matter what you do, you cannot eliminate suffering or problems from your life. The question, then, becomes, “what am I suffering for? What’s the purpose?” Importantly, the question is not “how do I stop suffering?”
Understanding WHY you’re willing to suffer for a certain objective or goal is just as important as the pursuit itself. When you know the purpose of your suffering, you know that you’re chasing something you really believe in, something bigger than yourself. Your suffering gains meaning. Your purpose eases the pain of those prob- lems you can’t avoid and gives you fortitude to stay the course in the face of your suffering. When you understand the purpose underlying your suffering, everything changes. Action becomes inevitable. You can align yourself more closely with your passions and purposes, and you gain clarity.
8. The “Do Something” Principle
In his book, Manson describes how his high school match teacher used to say, “If you’re stuck on a problem, don’t just sit there and think about it; just start working on it. Even if you don’t know what you’re doing, the simple act of working on it will eventually cause the right ideas to show up in your head.”
Manson has followed this advice ever since and, in doing so, has learned a pow- erful lesson. If you do something, rather than just sitting there, the answers will fol- low. Doing something and taking action isn’t just what happens when you already have motivation; it can also bring about motivation.
9. The Importance of Saying No
Manson writes that “Rejection is an important and crucial life skill.” If you never reject anything, you never stand for anything. All things are not the same. Some things are valuable, some aren’t. Some things are objectively or subjectively better or more true or more beneficial than others. Otherwise, life would be empty and meaningless, and we would be living without values or purpose.
According to Manson, we are too eager to keep the peace, to avoid offending oth- ers, and to appear agreeable and friendly. In doing so, we give up our opportunity to be open and honest about those things we value and those things we reject. This is a disservice both to ourselves and to the people we interact with, because, without full honesty, we never really know who we can trust. The person we’re talk- ing with about a certain issue may appear to agree with us on that issue, but odds are good that he or she is simply being polite and agreeable.
10. In a Nutshell
“Self-improvement” is not about having an objectively perfect life free of struggle or pain. It’s not about achieving perfect happiness (if there is such a thing). It’s about prioritizing better values and choosing better things to care about. Because when you care about better things, you have better problems. And when you have better problems, you have a better life. And when you care about too many things, when you care about everyone else and everything else, you’ll start to feel as though you are entitled to be happy and com- fortable all the time. This type of thinking will lead you down a path of destruction. Remember that things aren’t going to go your way, that you will encounter diffi- culties and struggles, and that solving and learning from these struggles is really what life and happiness are all about.
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